COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado, — Christianware, Inc., a supplier for Christian bookstores worldwide, today announced a new product that will enable born again women to convert the secular romance novels they once used to gratify the desires of their sinful nature into romance novels that will encourage more heavenly desires.“I am excited to introduce the Christian Romance Novel Converter," said Jedidiah Thomas, president of Christianware, "You simply place a worldly romance novel into the converter, wait 10 minutes for the book conversion machinery to perform its function, and then open up the converter to find a Christian romance novel much better suited to women of a Christian mindset."
Jedidiah Thomas believes this product will be especially valued by energy efficient minded Christians, "Book burnings, though useful for purging households of sinful literature, can often pollute the air with hellish fumes. The Christian Romance Novel Converter provides a green alternative."
We at The End Times decided to purchase and test the converter.
First we inserted Dark Desires after Dusk, a novel drenched in sinful alliteration.
We were pleased with the results. Out of the converter came Forgiven. Note that the sinful abdomens of "Dark Desires" are now safely concealed by a buttoned up polo. An ethereal, lavender mist overtakes the cover's previous darkness as if it belongs in a Thomas Kinkade painting.
Out of the converter came delightful Whale of a Marriage, which encourages the more civilized and Christian career of whaling.
We then inserted Tempt Me - a novel which appears to have been published in Hell itself...
...and out came God's Gift. Note how the innocent puppy now leads young couple away from the temptation of physical contact.
Next, we tested how the machine would work on fantasy romance novels...
...and we were pleased with the less passionate result.
We performed the final test with the seductively secular Ghost Hunter.
In only 10 minutes the the Ghost Hunter had accepted Jesus into the heart of it's pages and was converted into The Lumberjack's Lady, a modest tale which fills the reader's head with wood chopping rather than ghosts and other spirits of the underworld.
We were especially pleased that the hero of "The Lumberjack's Lady" closely resembles the Brawny Paper Towels man. 
The Lumberjack's Lady will not only encourage Christian women to occupy their minds with more pure and light matters such as puppy dogs, lavender mists, and whaling but also will keep their minds on being the housekeeping proverbs 31 wives God intended them to be.We at The End Times conclude that the Christian Romance Novel Converter it is going to be a success and blessing to Christian households worldwide.
8 comments:
Giggled aloud several times. Thank you.
Finally, I can receive the Lord's blessing on the shelf full of sinfully secular books secluded in the darkest corner in my downstairs office!
How do you know if you have a sinful abdomen?
That was so edifying that I think it will be my devotion for the morning. Wonder what else works in the converter... movies?
I am rolling on the floor laughing. As a Christian who writes romance novels, may I say that the only thing that could have made it better would have been seeing what the Converter did with one of my books! ha! Thanks for making my day!
Awesome.
*cackle cackle* xD
What a freaking riot. (Can I say freaking?) This is my kind of humor. I wanna grab my Laurel K Hamilton and J.R. Ward books (oh whait, I thossed Ward's bhooks) and run them through the converter!
Thank Tess Mallory's link at Jason Boyett's page for getting me here. But I'll be back.
Yep, I've authored two Christian romances, and this is hysterical!
But now I'm thinking I could really use this Converter thing. I could write my novels with all the sinful abdomens I want then just pop my manuscript into the Converter before I send it off to my literary agent.
Who said you couldn't have your (beef)cake and eat it too!
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