Monday, January 19, 2009

4 Christian Romances

Here are some Christian books I discovered but did not add to my last post - The fact that I did not make them up is even hard for me to believe.























"Eddie and Elaine Doherty's marriage crumbled when he slid into compulsive gambling ten years ago. Now, after a life-changing car wreck, Eddie desires only to live his life for God and family--his wife and two daughters--and to work toward making their ailing mushroom farm succeed. Will Eddie's newfound faith in Christ prove sufficient as times grow harder?"























"Lois Johnson broke up with her rich boyfriend who wasn't a Christian. She's committed to serving the Lord through her new job. When Slow-Joe the Clown falls into her lap, Lois wonders if he might be the man God has in mind for her. Can Joe connect with his real feelings, or will he spend the rest of his life clowning around?"
























"At first, Olivia passes over the ad incredulously. What kind of man advertises for a wife? But as time goes by and she can't find work, the "job" sounds more interesting. What better way to earn money for acting school? She can be Juliet to this Romeo, can't she?"
























"Michael
is a fixer. Jeanie has spent the last year rebuilding her life. She knows God loves and has forgiven her. She finds herself stronger in that knowledge every day…until Michael arrives and brings with him all the regrets and shame of the past. Will Jeanie ever be able to trust herself or her husband again? Can Michael overcome his hurtful, controlling ways? Only God, the true Fixer of mankind, knows the answers."

Newspaper Clipping from the End Times

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado, — Christianware, Inc., a supplier for Christian bookstores worldwide, today announced a new product that will enable born again women to convert the secular romance novels they once used to gratify the desires of their sinful nature into romance novels that will encourage more heavenly desires.

“I am excited to introduce the Christian Romance Novel Converter," said Jedidiah Thomas, president of Christianware, "You simply place a worldly romance novel into the converter, wait 10 minutes for the book conversion machinery to perform its function, and then open up the converter to find a Christian romance novel much better suited to women of a Christian mindset."

Jedidiah Thomas believes this product will be especially valued by energy efficient minded Christians, "Book burnings, though useful for purging households of sinful literature, can often pollute the air with hellish fumes. The Christian Romance Novel Converter provides a green alternative."

We at The End Times decided to purchase and test the converter.

First we inserted Dark Desires after Dusk, a novel drenched in sinful alliteration.

We were pleased with the results. Out of the converter came Forgiven. Note that the sinful abdomens of "Dark Desires" are now safely concealed by a buttoned up polo. An ethereal, lavender mist overtakes the cover's previous darkness as if it belongs in a Thomas Kinkade painting.

We then proceeded to test the converter with Pirate in my Arms, which glorifies piratey commandment breakage and sin.

Out of the converter came delightful Whale of a Marriage, which encourages the more civilized and Christian career of whaling.


We then inserted Tempt Me - a novel which appears to have been published in Hell itself...


...and out came God's Gift. Note how the innocent puppy now leads young couple away from the temptation of physical contact.
Next, we tested how the machine would work on fantasy romance novels...

...and we were pleased with the less passionate result.


We performed the final test with the seductively secular Ghost Hunter.

In only 10 minutes the the Ghost Hunter had accepted Jesus into the heart of it's pages and was converted into The Lumberjack's Lady, a modest tale which fills the reader's head with wood chopping rather than ghosts and other spirits of the underworld.

We were especially pleased that the hero of "The Lumberjack's Lady" closely resembles the Brawny Paper Towels man. The Lumberjack's Lady will not only encourage Christian women to occupy their minds with more pure and light matters such as puppy dogs, lavender mists, and whaling but also will keep their minds on being the housekeeping proverbs 31 wives God intended them to be.

We at The End Times conclude that the Christian Romance Novel Converter it is going to be a success and blessing to Christian households worldwide.