Newspaper Clipping from the End Times

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado, — Christianware, Inc., a supplier for Christian bookstores worldwide, today announced a new product that will enable born again women to convert the secular romance novels they once used to gratify the desires of their sinful nature into romance novels that will encourage more heavenly desires.

“I am excited to introduce the Christian Romance Novel Converter," said Jedidiah Thomas, president of Christianware, "You simply place a worldly romance novel into the converter, wait 10 minutes for the book conversion machinery to perform its function, and then open up the converter to find a Christian romance novel much better suited to women of a Christian mindset."

Jedidiah Thomas believes this product will be especially valued by energy efficient minded Christians, "Book burnings, though useful for purging households of sinful literature, can often pollute the air with hellish fumes. The Christian Romance Novel Converter provides a green alternative."

We at The End Times decided to purchase and test the converter.

First we inserted Dark Desires after Dusk, a novel drenched in sinful alliteration.

We were pleased with the results. Out of the converter came Forgiven. Note that the sinful abdomens of "Dark Desires" are now safely concealed by a buttoned up polo. An ethereal, lavender mist overtakes the cover's previous darkness as if it belongs in a Thomas Kinkade painting.

We then proceeded to test the converter with Pirate in my Arms, which glorifies piratey commandment breakage and sin.

Out of the converter came delightful Whale of a Marriage, which encourages the more civilized and Christian career of whaling.


We then inserted Tempt Me - a novel which appears to have been published in Hell itself...


...and out came God's Gift. Note how the innocent puppy now leads young couple away from the temptation of physical contact.
Next, we tested how the machine would work on fantasy romance novels...

...and we were pleased with the less passionate result.


We performed the final test with the seductively secular Ghost Hunter.

In only 10 minutes the the Ghost Hunter had accepted Jesus into the heart of it's pages and was converted into The Lumberjack's Lady, a modest tale which fills the reader's head with wood chopping rather than ghosts and other spirits of the underworld.

We were especially pleased that the hero of "The Lumberjack's Lady" closely resembles the Brawny Paper Towels man. The Lumberjack's Lady will not only encourage Christian women to occupy their minds with more pure and light matters such as puppy dogs, lavender mists, and whaling but also will keep their minds on being the housekeeping proverbs 31 wives God intended them to be.

We at The End Times conclude that the Christian Romance Novel Converter it is going to be a success and blessing to Christian households worldwide.

BRiiinngg!...

Lauren: Amanda! Telephone!

Amanda: Oh. I didn’t even hear it ring.

Lauren: That’s because the phone only rang once, I was on it.

Amanda: Oh, I’m sorry. You were on the phone?

Lauren: No “on it,” as in “on top of it”

Eden: On top of it? You were sitting on the phone?

Lauren: No. Gaaaa!

Meet Lauren

Lauren is one of my roommates. Amanda and I like to tease her about the words which she uses. Here is a dictionary of her vocabulary:

The Dictionary of Lauren:

Same [seym]

A one-word phrase used to show one feels identical with what has just been mentioned:
Amanda: I really wish I could be as cool as Eden.
Lauren: Same.

Stinkin’ cute [sting-kyn kyoot]

Adjective used to express high enthusiasm over someone, some place, some thing, etc.
Lauren: Oh my goodness my roommate is so stinkin’ cute.

Because A…, B…, and C… [bi-kawz ae…, be…, ahnd see]

Phrase used to express something with three different points to back the expression.
Lauren: I really think Eden is the best roommate ever because A - she always leaves bread sacks open, B – she puts her keys in the refrigerator, and C – she likes eating the plastic wrapped around her cheese.

Ya know right? [yah noh rahyt]

A phrase used to express ''I can't believe it either.''
Amanda: Eden is so extremely awesome.
Lauren: Ya know right?

Appendages [uh-pen-dij-ez] (and other words only smart science majors know)

A science-y term which means any body parts that may extend from a body segment.
Lauren: My appendages are cold.
Amanda: That’s probably because Eden isn’t here to warm your heart.

Meet Amanda

Amanda is one of my roommates.

She does not get much sleep because she is an English teacher.

Here is a photo of her trying to work when she should be in bed.

Something I never thought I would ask: So what do the nuns you work with think of your nipple piercing?

Setting: So I am walking with a German, a Peruvian, and American down the street. Yentz (the German…duh) knows just a little bit of both English and Spanish. He volunteers at a clinic my American friend works with.

So Yentz notices three tattoo and piercing parlors across the street. He stops us, turns to us and starts trying to communicate something to us in Spanglish. None of us understand. So, in the middle of the street, he pulls up his shirt, baring his chest. After a moment of wincing, shock, and awkward conversation, we figure out a ball from his nipple piercing has been lost and he is in need of a replacement.

So we go into one tattoo parlor. Yentz isn’t sure how to say what he wants. So he just walks up to the counter and whips up his shirt in the middle of the store. We will soon find the store doesn’t have what he is looking for, however, in Peru when there is a shop specializing in something in one location, shops specializing in the same thing pop up right next door (reason: a cultural connection between shopping and relationships). Anyway, for this reason, we all become acquainted with every tattoo and piercing parlor in the district and every tattoo and piercing parlor in the district becomes acquainted with Yentz’ chest.

He never did find what he was looking for though we each got a free tattoo parlor sticker out of the experience. That was nice. As my American friend said when we laughed over it afterward, “When you live overseas you get to the point where surprises are not so surprising anymore.”

Take a Hike

While in Huancayo we decided to hike Torre Torre, a bunch of odd formations close to the town. To get there, we had to pass through a village which belongs to a group of indigenous people. As we neared the formations, we saw four boys from the village racing down the hill. Kyle reached out her hand to congratulate the boy who won the race.


“Are you going to hike Torre Torre?” the boy asked us.
We answered in the affirmative.
“Do you want us to take you?” the boy asked.
“How much?” we asked like the wise tourists we are.
“Whatever your will is,” the boy answered.
One of the other boys quickly piped in “As long as you let us take pictures with your cameras.”

And then we became seven.










The tour package included:
• The boys pointing out interesting things we may have missed such as a condor head formation.












• Hiking up the steep formations (it took them 2 seconds to hike something that would take us 30).









• Stopping to rest while our guides told the story of the formations. One would stand up, tell a little bit of the story and then would say, “and now my friend will continue the story.” It was extremely cute when the six year old got up to explain his part.









• After the story, the youngest guide sang a song to us in quechua. They then asked us to sing songs to them.
• On the walk back, we shared songs back and forth.

We paid them and said goodbye by taking one final picture.

Making a Scene

Polleras - colorful skirts made from hand-woven wool cloth.

Manta - a rectangular piece of cloth worn by indigenous Peruvian women as a shawl, carry-all, and holder for infants and toddlers.The two items mentioned above are traditional pieces of clothing which normal tourists never consider wearing. However, Kyle and Laura, the girls I traveled with for a 2 day trip to Huancayo, are not your normal tourists.

Here are Kyle and Laura trying on polleras.


Peruvians slowed down and stopped to gawk,
laugh,
or say in astonished voices, “They look sooo pretty.” Even a stern faced cop took time to admire them and tell them in English how beautiful they looked.

Kyle and Laura then decided they ought to purchase mantas to help complete their traditional outfits. The vendor helped the girls put their purchases inside their mantas and fling them across their backs.
And then every single person in the market went crazy when they saw them and we became the tourist attraction.

"Aww. Look at the gringas! Where are their babies?" one asked.

Another woman, dressed in her own pollera and manta walked up to my friends and said, “Look at the tourists! How pretty they look.”
She then turned to me with a frown and said “Why didn’t you buy one?” and then the woman was bold enough to whap me on the rear!

An Idiots Guide to Dummies

It began in the Magdalena Market 5 minutes from my house. He was always standing there, always smiling. His cheesiness mocked me... and occasionally would make me want cheese. On some days he would be wearing a pair of briefs along with a sweater while on colder days he would don a pair of tights, bathrobe, and a simple scarf. Before she left Peru, Dale pulled out her camera and photographed me with him. It was then that it all began.

This continued on the Arequipa trip I went on few months ago. In the darkest corner of our hostel I found her.

Finally, while walking recently down the streets of Huancayo, I stumbled upon one with skin like the night sky. Next to him a companion with the worlds longest side burns. Yes, we were the cause of the laughter of the two salesman in the background of the picture.

It has only been hours since I have realized that I have a thing with taking photos with creepy mannequins ...and I am afraid that my mannequin obsession will not end here.

Dude 2

How to enjoy surfing in Lima:

1. Go on a 2 hour bike ride down the beach with two biking friends
   
2. Stop and relax sometime in the middle of the bike ride, sitting and watching the ocean
3. Watch your friend greet a surfing instructor she knows who happens to walk by
4. Get offered surfing discounts ($6 for renting everything you need for however long you want it!)
5. Surf the next day
6. After a long struggle of getting on a wetsuit for the first time, enjoy the fact that you look like a tough ninja
7. Learn what to do and stretch

8. Get your board and enjoy the fact that you look like a surfer even though you have not touched a wave yet. Throw around some stereotypical “Dude” and “Whoooaaa” phrases in each one of your sentences until your friends give you I-really-wish-I-could-hurt-you glances9. Move out to the waves
10. Catch some waves with the help of an instructor who appears to be one of Jar Jar Binks’ distant offspring (His long and flowing dreadlocks and reddish brown skin did the trick. However, he was different than Jar Jar as well, being helpful rather than stupid and annoying.)11. Die on the floor of a Jeremy and Rachel’s house afterward
12. Resurrect just in time to play with Jeremy and Rachel’s twin baby girls

Extra note: It really was an exciting, exhausting experience. By the end of it my arms were tired of rowing back to the waves, my eyes could barely open, my stomach didn’t feel too good after consuming a good deal of polluted salt water, and I felt seasick on top of it all. But I loved every minute of it and becoming a master of a wave was thrilling even if it only happened on occasion.

“So will I see you tomorrow?” asked Jar Jar, before I left the beach.

“Another day,” I replied with a smile.

Dude

When surfing the internet this last week, I found some fun answers.

Sleeper Bus

Wednesday, the junior and senior high students went their first ICSL service project this school year. After a day of shoveling rocks, laying out driveway stones, priming walls, scraping walls, and performing dramas and messages for two schools in the town, the students were exhausted. Here is a collection of photographs Lindsay and I took on the bus ride home:










And then Lindsay and I slept too. Photographing sleeping students is tiring work!

I Love Grading

In the movie "Groundhog Day" the Phil Conner (the main character) begins to take piano lessons from a music teacher who is continuously surprised at how proficient he is, since she always believes it is his first lesson. The music teacher smugly says "That's my student" to a group of people in awe of her Phil's musical talents.

Sometimes I feel like that teacher - taking credit for talent which cost me little effort. Here are some photos from sketchbooks I graded recently.

Que profesora creeposa!

When we were in Arequipa we saw a strange advertisement for an educational facility. On it was an innocent looking little girl being taught by a very creepy professor (shifty eyes and a sinister smile). Though we didn’t get a photo of the sign, Kathy and Lauren reenacted it in the photograph below and I can vouch that they reenacted it well.

Kathy played the part as the creepy teacher, Lauren as the innocent young student.


Well, I got my Peruvian ID a few weeks ago, which means I am a resident of Peru and no longer a tourist of Peru. When I was getting my ID photo taken, the camera caught me unawares. And when I was handed my ID, my photograph made me gasp.

My ID photo hints that in the depths of every teacher's heart there is a shifty-eyed teacher waiting for a chance to capture her character. And each one has the same smile.

I learned something new today

The most gentle way to be woken up from an afternoon nap is through a minor earthquake.

100th Post

My thoughts 5 minutes ago:


"Hmm. I think I will post on my blog. Click on internet icon... now click on blogger icon... OH NO! 99 posts? That means that this next post will be my...
...100TH POST EVER!
Dagnabit, now I have to post something extra special! I don't have time to post anything extra special!

"Wait. I have an idea. I'll just search on Google images and find type in '100th birthday' and just post the coolest image that pops up first.

"Uh oh. The coolest image is an old woman who almost looks like she is strangling a cat. Oh well. I don't care anymore. This has taken long enough already!"